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| In a Pickle? |
Things to Avoid When You Disagree
By Lisa Jeffery, MBA, MA
Professor of Communication
It’s not what kind of fights you have, it’s how you fight that matters. Did you know there are skills you can learn that help you handle disagreements in life?
When I watched the movie the “The Break Up” with Jennifer Aniston, I laughed. I saw the couple doing all the things that are counter productive in an argument or disagreement. They lashed out at each other, stabbed, insulted and said mean things. Because of this, they began to address the stabs, and they were never able to address the real issues. Once these things started, they were unable to salvage the relationship.
There are names for the things they did, they are ‘name-calling’, ‘kitchen sinking’, ‘duffel bagging’, ‘projecting’ and 'hitting below the belt’ and put-downs.
These are communication 'crimes'. When the ‘crimes’ happen, it’s difficult or nearly impossible to resolve a disagreement. These knives or bombs appear, the argument quickly goes South... unless you are skilled at recognizing them and dealing with them as knives and bombs. Doing this is actually a skill. A skill can be learned, like learning to ride a bicycle.
Conflict resolution skills are often learned in college-level interpersonal communication classes, conflict resolution courses, or anger-management programs. Knowing these skills can save a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, and sometimes, a life. I teach them in a workshop I call, "Fight Fire With Diamonds" and I have seen them change people's lives, help them solve problems and save relationships.
The Science of Fair Fighting
One way to prevent disasters in relationships is to learn the science of fair fighting and the ground rules of conflict resolution. These show you what not to do in an argument. This is why counselors and communication workshops can help people learn how to solve problems, arguments, disagreements. They give you the skills to learn what not to do, and how you can stay on track, even if you get off the track.
If you have been trained in communication conflict skills, you know this. But the problem arises when you are in a disagreement with someone who does not know these skills and throws very painful (unfair) knives and flames in a disagreement. Sometimes you will confront someone who breaks all the rules of good conflict resolutions. It helps to know the names of what they are doing.
Crimes of a Fight:
1. Name Calling: Names like: nag, heartless, mean, cold, and stupid.
2. Below the belt: These are remarks which are not fair, not about the argument, and highly personal. (They usually target the other person’s most delicate and vulnerable pain).
3. Duffle Bagging: Pulling out unrelated problems that you have been collecting, which have nothing to do with the issue at hand.
4. Kitchen Sinking: Throwing in every old argument, everything but the Kitchen sink.
5. Stereotyping: Unfairly grouping the other person with others: “of course you’re emotional, all women are.” “You are just like… (Some evil, horrible person you both hate).
6. Projecting: Removing the blame, culpability or responsibility from yourself regarding the other’s feeling, and putting the culpability or blame on them. Example: 1st person: “I’m hurt.” 2nd Person: “You are creating your own pain.”
7. White-Washing: Repainting the other person’s feelings to what you say they are. If your partner says "I am hurt," treat it as true.
8. Put-Downs: These things never work to solve a dispute. They are intended to hurt, and are sometimes crass. “Put on your ‘big-girl’ panties and deal with it.”
9. Attacking the Character of the other person: This is off limits, is meant to cause pain, and does not solve the problem.
All of These Are Knives. Stabs. Whacks. Kicks.
They usually cause the following effects:
1. They are unproductive and dangerous to relationships, and detrimental to solving problems.
2. They always make you have a natural tendency to want to defend yourself. But don’t do it, this is just what the abuser wants. Address the behavior, not the insult.
3. They are the dark-alley paths that leads marriages, friendships and relationships to ruin.
What Can You Do?
If you have been trained in conflict skills, the best thing you can do is try to help the other person avoid these pitfalls and gently guide them to stay on the issue, the real problem to solve. Recognize the crimes, and don’t react to them. If you do, you will be not only be distracted from the original issue, but the argument will get worse. A lot of pain will happen on both sides. You can prevent it before it happens.
Four Choices to Deal with Unfair Fighting:
1. When you realize someone is not arguing fairly, simply do not react.
2. Another way is recognize the hurtful ‘below the belt’ comment, and point out this is not fair fighting, or it is hurtful.
3. Another way is to react to the intent and not the hurtful thing said. (What are you trying to do?) This is often is not the best way. People seldom admit they are trying to be hurtful. They seldom stop and look at their intent.
4. A fourth way is to react with humor and guide the disagreement back to the issue.
8 Magic Relationship Rules of Conflict:
1. Stick to the argument at hand.
1. They are unproductive and dangerous to relationships, and detrimental to solving problems.
2. They always make you have a natural tendency to want to defend yourself. But don’t do it, this is just what the abuser wants. Address the behavior, not the insult.
3. They are the dark-alley paths that leads marriages, friendships and relationships to ruin.
What Can You Do?
If you have been trained in conflict skills, the best thing you can do is try to help the other person avoid these pitfalls and gently guide them to stay on the issue, the real problem to solve. Recognize the crimes, and don’t react to them. If you do, you will be not only be distracted from the original issue, but the argument will get worse. A lot of pain will happen on both sides. You can prevent it before it happens.
Four Choices to Deal with Unfair Fighting:
1. When you realize someone is not arguing fairly, simply do not react.
2. Another way is recognize the hurtful ‘below the belt’ comment, and point out this is not fair fighting, or it is hurtful.
3. Another way is to react to the intent and not the hurtful thing said. (What are you trying to do?) This is often is not the best way. People seldom admit they are trying to be hurtful. They seldom stop and look at their intent.
4. A fourth way is to react with humor and guide the disagreement back to the issue.
8 Magic Relationship Rules of Conflict:
1. Stick to the argument at hand.
2. Own your message. If you’re angry, don’t attribute your anger to someone else.
3. Don’t apologize for your feelings. Feelings are real. Accept them, respect them.
4. Make your message about behavior, not an attack on the other’s person’s character or personality.
5. Make sure your verbal and nonverbal messages match.
6. Avoid evaluating, interpreting, or criticizing, or putting your partner down – stick to the problem.
7. Time a fight. Discuss when the flames of anger are controlled.
8. Speak in I language, not you language. Example: "I was hurt," not "you hurt me".
Finally, Think About Your Amygdala.
What’s that? It’s that little almond-sized thingy deep within the middle of your brain where emotions happen. Daniel Goldman, in his book “Emotional Intelligence” said we are often ‘hijacked’ by our amygdalae. He said there are three signs of an amygdala hijack:
1. A strong emotion.
2. A sudden onset.
3. When we reflect later, we regret what we said or did.
This is important to remember in conflict resolution. The little hijacker takes over our airplane and takes us South, really South. We can prevent amygdala hijacks by recognizing them, stopping a hijack before it happens, and most importantly, refusing to negotiate with hijackers.
5. Make sure your verbal and nonverbal messages match.
6. Avoid evaluating, interpreting, or criticizing, or putting your partner down – stick to the problem.
7. Time a fight. Discuss when the flames of anger are controlled.
8. Speak in I language, not you language. Example: "I was hurt," not "you hurt me".
Finally, Think About Your Amygdala.
What’s that? It’s that little almond-sized thingy deep within the middle of your brain where emotions happen. Daniel Goldman, in his book “Emotional Intelligence” said we are often ‘hijacked’ by our amygdalae. He said there are three signs of an amygdala hijack:
1. A strong emotion.
2. A sudden onset.
3. When we reflect later, we regret what we said or did.
This is important to remember in conflict resolution. The little hijacker takes over our airplane and takes us South, really South. We can prevent amygdala hijacks by recognizing them, stopping a hijack before it happens, and most importantly, refusing to negotiate with hijackers.
In other words, think before you speak. My absolutely favorite principle of communication is "Once something is said, you can never take it back."
"Lisa-isms"
In a pickle? My gosh, who ever created that expression?
--Lisa
1 comment:
Positive communication will certainly increase the opportunities you find in your career and business. Having good communication skills will enable you to get ahead in certain areas where others who are less assertive may not succeed.
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